(unlearning) shame in wanting

Lately i've been trying to get to the root of certain problems, as I think about the core of who I am, who I am becoming, and my relationships to certain things. I had the realization that i'd developed some form of shame around wanting exactly what I want, due to being conditioned to accept whatever i'm given. It shows up in relationships as tolerance under the guise of allowing people to be who they are not wanting to be controlling or demanding, as well as my own desires and what I believe I deserve to experience and possess.

I grew up being mischaracterized and called a lot of things I am not, like selfish and ungrateful, whenever I communicated any sort of boundary or  expressed that wanted something in particular. It was always an overreaction and gross mischaracterization. Slowly, I developed this.. overly moralistic way of living because of it. I never want to appear like an arrogant, mean or objectively bad person (even though bad people never really question if they are or think about it) & it got the point where I became hyper aware of myself. I'm a person that's generally self-aware and always holds themselves accountable, and I also don't like to ask for too much or be too demanding. It was really hard and uncomfortable to allow myself to be taken care of by my friends and acquaintances the way I was for the last 3 months because I hated the idea of burdening them. There's also the relationship I have with money and demonizing having a lot of it, because I didn't come from money or want to be a greedy capitalist. I always said I didn't need too much, just enough to support myself and get by, and truthfully I think a lot of people think that way. Having unnecessary amounts of money just seems...I don't know, unnecessary. I was honestly conditioned to reject financial prosperity in a way too. Nonetheless, from my mother + grandmother, former "friends", & prospective partners, i've been conditioned to believe I don't deserve the best. So of course that's how people have treated me.

Within the last few weeks, i've started reminding myself and allowing myself the space to be more imaginative, open and honest with my desires. Reminding myself that I can want AND have things. In fact, I can have specifically what I want. I don't have to have shame around it, as I could be unconsciously pushing it away. I think people associate wanting with materialism, but i've also started telling myself I can develop characteristics I desire to have. I can be whatever and whoever I want. I'm not automatically a bad person! I feel better about it, like i've released something that was unconsciously hindering me.

Maybe desire doesn't have to be the root in suffering...and it can be empowering in a way. Especially when you've been conditioned to accept scraps.