I don't like talking about love

is my worth connected to the love others haven't given me?

most would say no, just to be nice. 

but people treat you like a wounded puppy, sensing the back to back experiences of emotional rejection.

I don't like talking about love. i'm inexperienced, and far behind. 

my mother didn't love me. for years on end, she made it so painfully clear. 

so I searched for it, clung to anything I was given. still confused and hurt when I was used and discarded. 

"why doesn't anyone love me? what's wrong with me? what is it about me?" I wonder. I ponder.

when you don't have the seed of love planted in you from an early age, with intention, nourishment, and it's life-giving purity, it makes you desperate. you feel like you're missing something. you feel unworthy. and people continue to prove those feelings to be true.

I yearn for what my peers have felt.

an inkling of their experience. 

an atom of the feeling. 

It's humiliating.. but I don't like talking about love. 

I don't know think I know what it is.

The only answer now

may be to find it within myself.